Michael Phelps is not letting his unprecedented success go to his head. The National Noassattol Defamation League has announced that Phelps will serve as their new spokesperson, replacing Martin Gramatica.
The president of the association, Ronald Sticks, applauded Phelps' decision to fight flat-ass discrimination. Sticks explained, "Michael knows that people born without any posterior face daunting persecution in nearly every field of life. People without a booty are unfairly discriminated against in the dating world, have found it difficult to land jobs in the hip-hop dance and exotic entertainment fields, and generally are looked down upon in society. As the world's most famous sufferer of Noassattol, Michael can put a lot of these negative stereotypes to bed."
As if to illustrate the difficulties faced by those plagued by Noassattol, conservative figure and radio talk show host Bill Bennett mocked Phelps' decision. According to Bennett, "This is just another fringe group trying to get special treatment for one of the vagaries of genetics. I didn't hear the Noassattol groups complaining when the Greeks refused to enslave men who lacked glorious sinewy orbs atop their legs."
blahblah Until now, NFL kickers and punters have been the highest-profile sufferers
Noassattol is particularly common in Phelps' home state of Maryland. Of the two million residents of the state who live in Baltimore City, Baltimore County and points east, an estimated 1.56M suffer from the condition. That number may even be low, as many residents of Maryland's Eastern Shore compensate for their unfortunate lack of an ass by eating themselves to gargantuan sizes, often tipping the scales at over 300 pounds. One such resident, Krystal Waters, explains, "I was a size two in high school, but my lack of a booty made it impossible to attract a mate. I knew I was going to have to pack on at least 200 pounds and learn to fry some mean slick dumplings if I was going to avoid being a spinster. I just wish I had known that there were people out there fighting misconceptions about Noassattol. Maybe then I wouldn't be cleaning my crevices with a washcloth tied to the end of a broom handle."
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Noassattol hits the writers of this blog especially hard, as three of the four authors suffer themselves. Non-sufferers cannot possibly understand how difficult it is to grow up with nicknames like "Back-and-a-Crack" and "Push-Me-Pull-You", the latter being a reference to the Doctor Doolittle character that lacked a rear end. Hopefully Mr. Phelps will end our suffering.
