Evil Sister

On the eve of DukeSweep 2007, I'm faced with a horrible personal dilemma seldom faced by loyal Maryland alumni. My girlfriend's sister, a high-school junior outside of Detroit, has decided her top college choice is Dook. The situation is becoming untenable, what with the girlfriend herself being a USC alumna and the recent erosion of my once-solid Maryland sports superiority over her family (Tigers, Trojans and Pistons?!?! Can't we jump back to 1995?).

I have to tread lightly. I've delivered the usual anti-Duke propaganda, but like in raising an unfortunately svelte teenage daughter, I don't want this sister to rebel against me and end up like Erika Christensen in Traffic. My experience at Tulane has taught me that whoring oneself out for crack is common among both rebellious teenagers and kids who leave blue collar towns to go to carpetbagger schools.

I even contacted UNC and Wake Forest and had them send her recruiting materials in case she is just enamored with Tobacco Road. As silly as that sounds, compared to Detroit even Tuscaloosa looks good; Alabama is her second choice. What's next? Gainesville and Tallahassee as safety schools?

Luckily, her first shot at the ACT might make Towson a reach, but given her high school resume I think she may have just posted a choke-job rivaling Marty Schottenheimer, Kansas basketball, and Jeremy Rachlin's first LSAT administration. I'm not out of the woods, but another Dook Senior Night beatdown at the hands of the Terps might be just what she needs to see the light, even if it's the dim light of U of Florida.