Commissioner Goodell Fetching a Good Switch

Two big stories in the world of NFL True Crime the past couple days. First, Steve McNair was arrested for DUI in Tennessee, despite not driving...and apparently not being under the influence. Second, Ricky Williams apparently tested positive for weed as recently as last month.

We'll dismiss the easy one first. Ricky Williams' career is a cautionary tale for any rookies about to sign their first contract. First, don't hire Master P and base your entire contract on incentives. You might get hurt. You might underperform. Most importantly, you might be so cheap that your team will just draft Deuce McAllister and phase you out.

Second, don't smoke pot. If you do feel like you absolutely must smoke pot, don't tell everyone you like to smoke pot. If any of the conspiracy theories about the NFL covering for its stars are true, they'll help you more if you aren't talking to reporters about how much you love smoking pot.

That plays into the third lesson. If you do get caught smoking pot, don't run off to India like a little bitch. That draws attention to you, and the NFL doesn't like that, especially this new Sheriff. Plus, you'll inspire your team to recoup your signing bonus, which will only make you come crawling back, again like a bitch, so you can basically play for free to pay off your debt to some rich old white man.

Now, for Steve McNair. McNair's brother-in-law was busted for DUI, while McNair was in the car with him. McNair was charged under a Tennessee DUI law that makes the owner of a vehicle criminally liable if a) the owner is in the car and b) the driver is intoxicated. We'll set aside McNair's 2003 DUI/gun in the car charge, since those charges were dropped, but you can bet Roger Goodell isn't letting that go.

The law is asinine. If the owner-passenger is extremely intoxicated, or even passed out, but happens to be in his own car when another is driving it, he's liable. He might as well drive the car while drunk.

And since when are Tennessee drivers trained in determining the sobriety of another person? Police officers spend weeks on this training, and have to memorize humongous binders of rules about the proper way to determine degree of intoxication without blood or breath tests. The statute foresees that the car owner will be intoxicated when he decides to let someone else drive. It's basically asking intoxicated car owners to determine if their designated driver is legally intoxicated. It's ridiculous.

The case boils down to conspiracy to drive drunk (or perhaps even solicitation to drive drunk). If the underlying brother-in-law DUI falls through, the case against McNair disappears completely. Seems like a fun way to have to prosecute a serious crime.