Idol Recap 5/20

Tonight, I bid you farewell, my Idol Recap readers, with my review and recap of the Idol final contest.

Raise your hand if right out of the gate you knew the boxing analogy was going to be taken just a half-step too far. I mean, you've got David Archuleta who could get knocked over by a palsied schoolgirl. And you've got David Cook who has been nothing but nice (although proved tonight he can be king of the unintentional bitchslap - see below) and who we know is an emotional guy beneath the surface dealing with the severe illness of his brother. We were treated to Jim Lampley giving us three-round boxing commentary because the average Idol viewer doesn't realize that a real boxing match goes 12 rounds. Oddly, his boxing-related training advice to the contestants was interspersed with the advice of the ever-fabulous Andrew Lloyd Webber and the ever-stinking-rich-Mr. Burns-esque Clive Davis. I personally wish they had featured some of the more unglamorous aspects of boxing. You know... show us the cut man slicing and cauterizing wounds on the singers in between rounds. Show us the spit bucket. Show us the early-onset dementia. Well, we got that from Paula actually. On another personal note, when they panned to the audience, I realized how I just can't wait until tomorrow night when Amanda Overmyer has to stomach doing some saccharine number on stage again. This time she doesn't have to fake liking it. This oughtta be good.

So anyway, we all knew Archuleta was going to win the damn thing. Tonight was pretty much nothing but a coronation. In the words of Denny Green, tonight the Idol judges got to "crown his ass." Nevertheless, a round-by-round analysis...

First Round:
David Cook sings Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (U2), David Archuleta sings Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me (Elton John/Bernie Taupin). Cook took a new take of the song (more daring than he got credit for), Archuleta kept it very close to the vest (i.e. original version). I am a HUGE fan of both songs and thought that both of them did an amazing job. I, actually, give the nod in this round to Cook. Archuleta's vocals were scary good. But Cook showed range that he doesn't normally show. His lyrics had the haunting quality of his remake of Mariah Carey's Always be My Baby. More than anything, he seemed like a natural on stage. He didn't seem like he was pushing himself so damn hard to focus on performing like Archuleta normally seems to be doing. I really, really enjoyed both songs and have to say that I realized when these two sang just how lucky we are to have this final versus the final last year. Both of these performers are going to go on to huge success. That said, the slight nod in this round featuring two fantastic vocals goes to Cook for his ability to combine a stunning vocal performance with a great stage performance.

Second Round:
Both contestants sing totally and utterly forgettable songs that were finalists in the Idol songwriter competition. Now we know why there are "professional" songwriters and why there are amateur songwriters who need to get their jollies by entering a competition like this one. Both songs were horribly penned and dealt generally with seizing the moment and the stage and looking in the mirror and liking who you see and on and on and on and on. Here's where Archuleta separated himself from Cook... he picked the right song. See, those of us who are a little familiar with this, and by a little familiar, I mean have watched at least one previous season finale, know that this throwaway song has to be done in true ballad form for it to be memorable and for it to carry the meaning that it's supposed to have in the eyes of voters. Cook went rock. He again gave a great performance. Archuleta went ballad. He always goes ballad. Except for when he sings about his "boo." Archuleta played it smart. Archuleta wins. Both songs suck. Who picked the smarter song? Archuleta. That's it. He wins this round.

Third Round:
David Cook sings The World I Know by Collective Soul. David Archuleta ends the night with an encore performance of his take on John Lennon's Imagine from earlier in the season. Cook, as he has been prone to do occasionally during the course of this season (Neil Diamond week, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame week, Idol Gives Back week), just flat out didn't pick the right song. I agree with him in premise that this was an opportunity for him to show growth. And I LOVED his inadvertent bitchslap at Archuleta by saying that's what he believed this final performance was supposed to display. However, I disagree with him in reality. Because here, this is the time when you're supposed to do what Archuleta did... make people remember why they love you. Make people remember why you're in the finals. Make people like me who don't really like you, like your dad, or like your performance style, sit straight up and say, "DAMN." If Cook had pulled out Mariah or had pulled out his version of Billie Jean, he'd have had the same kind of success and left the same kind of imprint in the minds of viewers. Cook had a great performance. And it capped off a night where we saw tremendous versatility from him, great emotion, and wonderful stage presence. However, Archuleta had a mind-blowing performance and is fortunate that this will be the last thing that Idol viewers remember when they go to vote.

Intangibles:
a) The average Archuleta voter is going to be speed dialing nonstop until it's time for them to get tucked into bed by mom and dad and head off to 5th or 6th grade tomorrow. The average Cook voter is going to vote once, maybe twice, and then will head off to tuck the kids into bed. Archuleta will get millions more votes just on this alone.

b) Don't think that going last didn't bring a huge benefit to Archuleta. People were poised by their phones the second he stopped singing. Also, his performance is going to be the last thing people remember.

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Alright, it's been a fun Season 7 everyone. I'll miss Kady Malloy's boobs, Kristy Lee Cook's pandering (and I hope she got her barrel horse back), Danny Noriega's insane effiminateness, Chikezie's horrible outfits, and Jason Castro and Amanda Overmyer flipping the collective bird at American pop culture. Congratulations Archuleta, but Cook will sell millions more records than you. I look forward to hearing your album in my doctor's office waiting room. Now, following the advice of Randy, I'm off to go recap a phone book. And remember, just like the Philadelphia Filipino birdman/pimp...... "I am your brother, your best friend forever, singing the songs and the music that you love!!!!"