Idol Recap - 3/31/09

Hey, look, it's David Spade in the front row of American Idol. He's probably lower than the 15th-most famous person in the auditorium. Wow, we've fallen far. Buh-bye.

So the Idolists visit Ryan Seacrest in Sherman Oaks at his AT40 studio. Nice job showing the clock in the background. I'm sure that the Idolists took a lot away from their 11-minute stay with you, Ryan. But hey, a plug for how multi-dimensional you are. You are truly great.

Anoop Desai - Caught Up
Anoop proves why you should never listen to the guy who played bass guitar in pink spandex for Journey. Anoop basically was a caricature of the Bollywood guy trying to R&B it up. He struts on stage and it just kind of looks like a joke. Pretty horrible.

Megan Joy - Turn Your Lights Down Low
Megan apparently got off her Carnival ship in Cozumel at some point between today and results show last Thursday. Hey, look, it's that cute hair braid that 10-year-olds come back from Mexico with. And lots and lots of shitty costume jewelry that looks like it cost 19 pesos combined. Why am I focusing on her look? Because her voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard at this point. How the hell will America vote her through again? Maybe she can pull out God Bless the U.S.A. to save her for another few weeks like brilliant Kristy Lee Cook.

Danny Gokey - What Hurts the Most
Adam Duritz reminds us why he's still a favorite to win the competition after a pretty sub-par week last week. Pretty damn good vocals. And hey, he didn't play up the fact that he had another death in his family earlier this week. Maybe it was those Idol producers who were responsible for bringing up the fact 4,876,325 times that his wife died.

Allison Iraheta - Don't Speak
Camera zooms in on Tina Turner - wait, shit, that's Allison Iraheta doing her version of Heart sings Bonnie Tyler sings Gwen Stefani. Allison switches it up and "plays the guitar" tonight - actually, she strummed one chord for about 25 seconds and then it was just a prop that got in the way. She's certainly better than some of the performers, but not the best night for Allison. Still, she'll avoid going back to the furniture store for another week.

Scott MacIntyre - Just The Way You Are
It's time for your friendly local pedophile to cover Billy Joel tonight. Seriously, is Scott's voice and laugh and entire persona creepy, or what? Bottom line, I'll give it to Scott, we all know I'm not a huge fan of his, but it was a terrific performance. I gotta say though, he's gotta pick up a pair of Stevie Wonder/Ray Charles dark glasses... those wandering eyes are just distracting as hell. But what do I know, clearly I'm just a shallow ass.

Matt Giraud - You Found Me
Clearly shaken by last week's bottom three, he just tried too damn hard this week. Starting with the first note when he blew his cue. I was waiting for him to pull a Brooke White and start over. He needed to strip it down to just he and the keyboard rather than try to hold up to this insane arrangement and go lead rocker. It was not a good week for Matt. So much wasted potential with this one.

Lil Rounds - I Surrender
Do they tell the Idolettes in the audience that they are required to cheer anytime a note lasts longer than three seconds? If so, that's the only reason Lil got applause tonight. As a total aside, Lil has a weird obsession with wigs it seems. She's going to be in some serious danger if she keeps going on this crappy spiral downwards.

Adam Lambert - Play That Funky Music
Alright, Adam has to start getting scary and horrible again because I really hate him too much to see him win this thing. I will say something nice about him - he does more with the arrangements of his songs than any other contestants. Now, seriously, Adam, please, please, please, please stop the hip shaking. Please. For the love of God. I beseech you.

Kris Allen - Ain't No Sunshine
Kris is pulling the "reverse Lil" and getting stronger and stronger each week to the point that I genuinely believe he could supplant Gokey in the pre-determined Idol final versus Adam Lambert. He's just really picking good songs, doing what he needs to with them, and dominating. I think my wife just added another male celebrity to her "list." And if you don't know what the "list" is, watch Entourage.

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PREDICTED BOTTOM THREE:
Lil Rounds
Megan Corkrey
Matt Giraud

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Also, I'm outta here for the next two weeks in the greater Roma, Firenze, and Venezia metropolitan areas. My esteemed ECB colleagues will be covering for me the next two weeks. They will do more justice to these recaps than I ever could.