You're Suspended

Here's the apparent sliding scale for suspendable offenses:

• Brag about your "crafty" "Jew lawyer" - Terminated
• Get arrested a few times including bystander paralysis - Suspended for one season
• Get arrested a few times including puking out the window - Suspended eight games
• Call the Rutgers' ladies basketball team "nappy-headed hos" - Suspended two weeks
• Accuse Charlie Rose of being apt to "fag out" - No penalty
• Shut down a blog just to prove you can - No penalty
• Describe a couch as "n****r-brown" on the label - TBD

I'm not going to weigh in on the various offences, because it would take far too long. Suffice it to say that I don't think these transgressions are being treated uniformly. There is no way to justly apply the NFL's new-found intolerance for misbehaving. It's true that comparing the circumstances for two players is like comparing apples to oranges, but unfortunately for the NFL comparing the duration of suspensions is apples to apples.

A cynic might point out that the players (and presumably coaches, though naked drive-thru coach Joe Cullen only got one game for two arrests in a week) aren't going to review past suspensions when deciding on an inappropriate course of conduct. It's still inherently unfair to allow the punishment to be determined after the crime (and I of course use the word crime loosely since a crime is not required to find "conduct detrimental to the league"). The policy is opening Pandora's Box and wetting an already slippery slope towards a career-ending kangaroo court and Draconian justice; the damage caused may render the Big Kahuna's piece de resistance a Pyrrhic victory, a real no-win situation where no one saves face.

That's ten cliches in one sentence. With all these suspensions, I'm ready to apply for a job in broadcasting.