Why Your Favorite Team Won't Win the Super Bowl

It's Labor Day weekend, which for fans of any NFL team is a time of unchecked optimism. Anything could happen this year, even if you're a Browns fan. You've seen just enough in the pre-season to talk yourself into thinking that this might be the year. Your team is going to be the one that shocks everyone, comes out of nowhere and wins it all.

I'm here to throw a wet blanket on all those thoughts. Here's a reason to be pessimistic about every NFL team.

Arizona Cardinals
The biggest story of your off-season involved your quarterback being a shitty father. People have already written off your team every year by May, so they concentrate on the soap opera involving your pretty-boy franchise-saving quarterback instead of considering how good the team might be this year (because the answer is, like every year, not that good).

Atlanta Falcons
The whole Mike Vick thing was bad enough, but getting rid of Matt Schaub had to add insult to injury. Now you're going into the season with Joey Harrington? If you're a Falcons fan, just go into seclusion now. It's not going to be pretty here for a few months. You can come back out in April for the Draft.

Baltimore Ravens
You're one Steve McNair concussion away from another season of The Kyle Boller Experience.

Buffalo Bills
Eight years without a playoff appearance. And you play in the same division as the Patriots. Ouch.

Carolina Panthers
After last year's high expectations followed by disappointment, Panthers fans should be a bit more cautious about talking Super Bowl in September.

Chicago Bears
I think we can all agree that the bears were the classic overachieving team last season. This year they're going to hope lightning strikes twice for Rex Grossman. Things aren't looking too good.

Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals managed to stay out of jail for the most part this off-season, which means they're due for a Carson Palmer underground poker ring bust.

Cleveland Browns
This is your new quarterback.


Dallas Cowboys
Your star quarterback choked in the biggest play of the season last year, and then spent all Spring getting friendly with Carrie Underwood. He's lost his edge and is on the way down now.

Denver Broncos
Broncos fans have to be feeling good about starting the season without Jake Plummer, but this will be the year that the fantasy gods punish Mike Shanahan for platooning running backs. Sorry, but it has to be done for the good of fantasy owners everywhere.

Detroit Lions
It's tough to pick just one reason that the Lions won't win the Super Bowl this year. I'll go with this one: the Lions O-Line was one of the worst in the league last year, and now they're protecting Jon Kitna, who is not known for his mobility. David Carr is going to have Vietnam-style flashbacks watching Lions games this year.

Green Bay Packers
I hate to say anything bad about Brett Favre, but let's just say he's not going to lead a team to the Super Bowl.

Houston Texans
Yes, Schaub is an upgrade over Carr, but the rest of your team still sucks.

Indianapolis Colts
You have to give the defending champs a fighting shot at repeating, right? Not when Peter King picks them to win it all. That's the kiss of death.

Jacksonville Jaguars
David Garrard replaces Byron Leftwich in the final week of pre-season? That kind of quarterback controversy can't be good for team chemistry.

Kansas City Chiefs
When the Ravens were on Hard Knocks, they lost in the first round of the playoffs. When the Cowboys were covered, they finished 5-11. A few more years of this and they'll start calling it the Hard Knocks curse.

Miami Dolphins
Your head coach abruptly left the team to coach the Crimson Tide. He must have known something, right?

Minnesota Vikings
I can't see a team winning the Super Bowl with a coach who looks like this.

New England Patriots
The HGH thing goes way past Rodney Harrison. It would explain Brady's superhuman sperm, right?

New Orleans Saints
Another team cursed by Peter King. He predicted the Saints will win the NFC.

New York Giants
The Giants couldn't even make it to week 1 without major drama embroiling the entire team. The rifts exposed in the team by the Tiki-Eli feud will only grow wider as the season goes on.

New York Jets
Another team with a QB controversy going into the season. And this one has the fickle Jets fans stoking the fire. Not a good situation.

Oakland Raiders
The Raiders suck so bad that Jamarcus Russell might wait out the whole season without signing. You think he'd do that if the Raiders had any chance of winning the Super Bowl?

Philadelphia Eagles
Eagles fans are some of the worst when it comes to being overconfident before any actual games are played. Sure Donovan McNabb is healthy this year, but when he's throwing to the likes of Reggie Brown, this could be another cold winter for Philly fans.

Pittsburgh Steelers
Losing Bill Cowher is going to hurt the team more than people realize.

San Diego Chargers
Marty Schottenheimer isn't my favorite coach in the world, so I was very supportive of the Chargers replacing him. But Norv Turner? Did Art Shell turn them down?

San Francisco 49ers
The 49ers seem to be the wise-guy pick for the surprise team this year. Based on what, I'm not sure. Mike Nolan does dress very nicely, though. But when that's the best thing you can say about the team, I don't think they'll be surprising anyone in January.

Seattle Seahawks
I think this is the year that Matt finally snaps and starts yelling at reporters that Elisabeth shouldn't be the most famous member of the Hasselbeck family.

St. Louis Rams
Gus Ferotte is the Rams backup quarterback. That might be worse than Kyle Boller. Especially when your starter is Marc Bulger.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Jake Plummer decided to retire rather than compete for a starting job with Jeff Garcia. Your team is so bad Jake plummer would rather retire than play for them.

Tennessee Titans
The Titans spent the whole off-season debating whether Pacman Jones should be able to practice with the team or if he should be banished for the whole "making it rain" incident instead of surrounding Vince Young with competent players.

Washington Redskins
Dan Syder's gotten better this year at not screwing up his team, but that probably just means he's due for a bonehead mid-season move that derails the entire season.

There you have it, a reason why every one of the 32 teams won't win the Super Bowl. Obviously I'm wrong about one of the teams above, but the beauty of it is that I'm certain to be right about 31 of them.